


Hold Me Closer

by EgoStorm



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Why do I do this to myself, cross posted on AFF, why do i never want soonseok to be happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-05-31 09:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6464752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EgoStorm/pseuds/EgoStorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world is cruel, and unfairly so. The pain of seeing your love, of hearing your love, but not being able to hold your love, is far greater than one can imagine. It is the pain that Soonyoung must suffer as he waits for day he can touch Seokmin again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. These Walls that Separate Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I know almost nothing about the criminal system in either Korea or in the US. Therefore I will be making my own system (with a mix of them both, plus other stuff to fill in for what I don't know)
> 
> I also don't know the meanings of flowers beyond google, so things might not be totally accurate.

The clicking of the guard’s heels against the smooth tile echoed against the narrow hallway as Soonyoung followed closely behind. Soonyoung walked in silence, his sneakers only giving off a slight squeak every once in a while, but otherwise quiet. The small bouquet of flowers he bought not long ago brushed against his thigh, and his grip on it tightened. He felt anxious, as he always did on official grounds, but also felt a sense of relief that he was finally going to see him again. That he was going to see his love again.

 

The guard stopped in front of a small room and gestured for Soonyoung to enter. The blond bowed his head as he passed the guard to enter. When he straightened his position he looked in the room, halved by a wall of glass. On the other side of it were two people. One was another guard, and the other was the one Soonyoung came for. The one he longed to see again. Lee Seokmin.

 

There was a soft click as the door closed behind him, but Soonyoung didn’t take note of it. In front of him was the one he held so dear. He could see Seokmin on the other side of the glass, and the guard off to the side of the room. The bouquet nearly slipped from his fingers when his fingers lost tension, but he managed to firmly grip it before he let it go. He could feel his insides shake slightly from excitement and anxiety. It had been a while since they had spoken, after all.

 

Seokmin was sitting, dressed in the usual dull blue jumpsuit with his name clearly written on his left chest pocket. The room he was in wasn’t brightly lit, but that didn’t stop him from being radiant himself. He showed his loving and dazzling smile as always, and Soonyoung had to swallow hard to prevent tears from forming. It was hard seeing Seokmin on the other side of that wall. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He didn’t belong there… yet there he was. He was there in plain view, but Soonyoung couldn’t hold him no matter how much he wanted to. It seemed like they were so far away from each other because of the obstacle between them.

 

_ It’s only a glass wall that is separating us. Nothing more. A thin glass wall.  _

 

Soonyoung bit his bottom lip to calm himself down, and then walked up to the glass and sat down on the chair provided. It was rusted, and the seat cushion was tearing, but it wasn’t as bad as the chairs he had at home. He settled into the cushy seat and held out the bouquet of purple flowers. He let out a smile, hiding any sign of sorrow.

 

“Happy anniversary, Seokmin.”

 

Seokmin clapped his hands lightly after letting an exaggerated sigh escape.

 

“Oh, you remembered!”

 

That was enough to give Soonyoung a huge sense of relief. He chuckled away the nervousness. It was almost magical how just hearing Seokmin’s voice was enough to make him feel at ease. Enough to make him feel safe. Enough to make him feel at home. He immediately felt relaxed and like himself again.

 

“Of course I did! It’s the only thing marked on my calendar. That and your birthday. Those are the only important days in my life, really.”

 

Seokmin blushed slightly, giggling at the comment, holding the back of his hand against his mouth as he did so. He then glanced at the vibrant flowers again.

 

“Anemones,” he said softly. “Anticipation.”

 

“Because I was anticipating this visit. I wanted to see you, you know. I’ve been waiting for the day they accepted visitors. And also... I’m anticipating the day your appeal is successful. That they’ll finally declare you innocent. They have to.”

 

Seokmin’s smile showed a hint of pain for a second.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Soonyoung noticed the momentary change of the air, and decided to change the subject. He placed the bouquet on his lap and tried lifting the mood with some good news.

 

“I enrolled in a university.”

 

Seokmin raised his eyebrows as a smile tugged at his lips.

 

“Really? That’s great! That means you got your GED? When did that happen?”

 

Soonyoung looked down at the bouquet and played with a leaf. The sound of the plastic crinkling filled the temporary pause. With his chin pointed down, he looked up bashfully at Seokmin.

 

“Not that long ago. I didn’t tell you about it in case I didn’t end up passing the entrance exam. It would have been for nothing if I didn’t get into a university” he said quietly.

 

Seokmin chuckled at Soonyoung’s shyness. “Congratulations! This is a big deal! Our Soonyoungie is going to go to college! Have you told anyone else yet? Your tutor?”

 

“You mean Jihoon? It sounds so weird when you call him my tutor…”

 

Seokmin laughed again. “Anyways, have you told him?”

 

“Of course not. I wanted you to be the first to know.”

 

“Aww, I’m touched.”

 

“What do you expect? You’re the most important to me… don’t tell me you forgot…” 

 

Soonyoung sulked a bit. He was half joking, but also half serious. When Seokmin realized his sincerity, he reached forward, but his fingers stopped at the glass. He couldn’t reach out any further because of the thin, yet burdensome barrier. He flattened his hand so that his palm pressed against it.

 

“Of course not,” he replied gently. “You’re the most important to me, too”

 

Seeing Seokmin’s loving expression caused Soonyoung’s chest to tighten. He reached for the glass, mirroring Seokmin until their hands were pressed against each other with only the glass in between them.

 

“I… I’ll wait for you… even if they give you an unfair verdict...”

 

“You don’t have to. If you find happiness somewhere else, I don’t want to hold you back.”

 

“There’s no way that will happen. I can promise you that.”   
  


“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

 

Soonyoung furrowed his eyebrows, and his voice gained a hint of sternness when he responded. He glared harshly at the boy across from him.

  
“Don’t underestimate how much I care about you. I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.”

 

“And what if it takes forever?”

 

“Then I’ll wait forever.”

 

The two looked at each other, and it almost seemed as if the glass disappeared for a moment. In that short moment of time, the two really looked at each other, and nothing could break them apart. Until a hand appeared on Seokmin’s shoulder.

 

Both boys glanced up at the owner of the hand, and it was the guard that had been occupying Seokmin’s side of the room.

 

“Your time’s up. He can visit again tomorrow.”

 

Seokmin removed his hand from the glass first, sighing. It was hard for Soonyoung to see him with a dejected expression.

 

“Can I hope to see you again tomorrow?”

 

Soonyoung dropped his hand as well. “Yeah.”

 

“I’ll miss you.”   
  
“I miss you already.”

 

“I love you, Soonyoung.”

 

“I love you more than anything.”

 

Seokmin smiled at the response and stood up from the chair. A harsh sound came from the legs of the chair scraping against the tile floor.

 

“Come on,” said the guard as he cuffed Seokmin’s hands together to the front.

 

The two headed toward the door, and just before Seokmin exited, he glanced back once more. He flashed his signature bright smile before disappearing around the corner, as if to reassure Soonyoung that he would be okay.

 

Soonyoung remained seated for a few minutes. He could hear the guard behind him tapping his foot in impatience, so he stood up to leave. Carrying the bouquet carefully against his chest, he walked up to the guard.

 

“Is there any way I can get these to him?”

 

The guard shook his head.

 

“I’m sorry, but no can do.”

 

It was the answer Soonyoung expected, but he was still disappointed in hearing it.

 

“Then I don’t have a reason for them anymore. Would you like them?”

 

The guard seemed surprised for a moment, but his expression soon returned to normal as he cleared his throat.

 

“Well, if you don’t want them, I suppose I can take them.”

 

Soonyoung showed a small smile and he handed the bouquet to the guard. He looked at the guard’s name tag. 

 

“Hmm? Kwon? Your surname is Kwon, too?”

 

The guard looked down at his name tag, then back at Soonyoung, He pointed a finger at the name tag as a tiny smile became evident on his face.

 

“You’re a Kwon?”

 

Soonyoun extended his right hand toward the guard.

 

“Kwon Soonyoung. Nice to meet you.”

 

The guard accepted the gesture, reaching out his own hand to grasp Soonyoung’s.

 

“Kwon Geonwoo.”

 

They kept their introductions as short as that, and Geonwoo began to lead Soonyoung out to the entrance of the prison. This time, Soonyoung walked to his side instead of behind him. The halls could barely fit the two of them, but it seemed awkward to follow behind Geonwoo when they now knew each other’s names.

 

“So, Soonyoung.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Lee Seokmin...”

 

“He’s my lover.”

 

“That much I figured. What I haven’t been able to figure out, is why he’s here in the first place. Seokmin, he… he doesn’t seem like a criminal.”

 

Soonyoung wasn’t sure how much he should tell him. His hand clenched around the bottom of his shirt, no doubt leaving wrinkles. He felt wronged when Geonwoo said “Seokmin” and “criminal” in the same sentence, but he knew it wasn’t his fault for not knowing anything.

 

“He’s not.”

 

“Then-”   
  
“He’s not a criminal.”

 

He made it clear that he wasn’t going to explain more than that. Geonwoo sighed as he fumbled with the keys on his belt, trying to find the one to unlock the door in front of them.

 

“I understand. I won’t ask. Are you going to visit again tomorrow?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Geonwoo was able to find the right key and unlocked the door with ease. He opened the door wide for Soonyoung to pass.

 

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said with a smile.

 

Soonyoung bowed before he passed through the open doors.

 

“Oh,” said Geonwoo suddenly. Soonyoung turned around to look at him.

 

Geonwoo held up the bouquet of anemones. 

 

“Thanks for these.”

  
Soonyoung bowed once again, then left without saying anything more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: There is another darker meaning to anemones, and that is "fading hope"
> 
>  
> 
> The next chapters will start explaining their past, and eventually, we will find out how things came to this. I hope this is interesting..


	2. When I Met You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been almost 3 weeks since I first posted this? So sorry DX  
> I thought that posting it would motivate me to write faster, but life...

Soonyoung remembered the day he met him. It was during the springtime, but the weather wasn’t spring-like at all. There were no warm rays of sun. It had been dark and grey all day, but bringing an umbrella was the last thing Soonyoung thought about when he dashed out of his house. All he could think of was to escape. He couldn’t breathe inside that house that seemed beautiful and perfect on the outside, but in reality was suffocating on the inside. He ran, not paying attention to the gravel as is scratched his bare feet. He ran through the thick, humid air, even though he knew no one would chase after him. He just felt the need to run. Only when he was at the point of utter exhaustion did he stop. His lungs burned with every breath, his legs were weak and wobbly, and his throat was dry, but he was in less pain than before. He leaned back against the brick wall of an unfamiliar place and sat down. Now that he was free, maybe he could die in peace.

 

It was an especially cold and rainy later that night. The wind was inconsistently blowing, but was making Soonyoung consistently cold. The street light in front of him was out, and the one on the other side of the street was flickering. It mimicked Soonyoung’s wavering thoughts. He had thought about it earlier. Was it really worth living? Should he end it now? The rough surface of the brick wall he was leaning on scratched through Soonyoung’s thin shirt as he shivered. He didn’t bother curling up his body to conserve heat, as he was still tired from earlier. Maybe this way, he could leave this world quietly. He was too tired to warm himself up anyways. He was too tired of living.

 

His aching body wouldn’t move, and he felt like an abandoned rag doll. He wondered if he could consider himself abandoned if he never had a place to call home in the first place. Not one that he cared for, anyways. He closed his eyes, feeling the cold rain land on his skin. At some point he became numb to the coldness and just felt the sensation of water droplets as they bounced off of him. His ears began ringing, drowning out the pitter patter of the rain. All of a sudden, he stopped feeling the rain. Considering the course of sensations disappearing one by one, it seemed logical to conclude that this was the end.

 

He slowly opened his eyes to look at the world one last time, expecting to find the same scene in front of him as before: the empty street being lit up every few seconds by that flickering street light. A depressing scene that fit Soonyoung’s state of mind. However, his eyes found something else instead.

 

It was a brown-haired boy, probably around his age, who was leaning down to look at Soonyoung. He was holding an umbrella with one hand, slowly reaching for Soonyoung with the other. It must have been his imagination, but the boy looked as if he were glowing, even though it was impossibly dark outside. Was he an angel who came to pick him up? No, that was impossible. He knew he had a reservation for him in hell. Soonyoung must have gone insane for just a moment.

 

The boy placed his hand on Soonyoung’s cheek, and Soonyoung felt himself unwillingly lean into it for warmth.

 

“You're so cold.”

 

_ Leave me alone. Ignore me like everyone else had. _

 

“...”

 

“What's your name?”

 

Soonyoung made eye contact with the boy, not sure if he was nice, or stupid.

 

“Hoshi.”

 

The boy raised his brows at the response.

 

“Hoshi? That’s pretty unique.”

 

Stupid. He was stupid.

 

“I’m Seokmin. Lee Seokmin.”

 

Soonyoung slapped Seokmin’s hand away, his own hand feeling for an instant the warmth it held.

 

“Why are you talking to me? Don’t you have something better to do?”

 

_ Don’t concern yourself over me. I’m not worth it. _

 

“What can I do that’s better than helping someone who clearly needs help?”

 

_ Don’t make me sound so desperate. _

 

“I don’t need help.”

 

Seokmin’s brows furrowed in worry. Soonyoung couldn’t stand to see that look, so he looked away. When Soonyoung felt the raindrops fall on his body once more, he closed his eyes. 

 

_ Yeah, it’s best if you just left me here. _

 

Soonyoung suddenly felt warm arms wrap around his cold body. Seokmin was embracing him tightly, having abandoned his umbrella, and was starting to get soaked as well. For some reason, the unexpected actions from this stranger was enough to break down the walls that he built around himself. His front crumbled away, and his weak interior was exposed. He felt warm tears forming in his eyes. He didn’t like how weak he felt all of a sudden.

 

“What are you doing, stupid? You’re going to catch a cold.”

 

He felt his voice shake as he said this. Seokmin held him tighter, not replying. Soonyoung placed his hands on Seokmin’s back, and his tears finally escaped. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried. Thankfully the sound of rain was still loud enough to hide Soonyoung’s sniffles. He clasped the back of Seokmin’s jacket tightly, now refusing to let go. Seokmin’s body was warm and reminded him of the warmth of the sun. He smelled like the sun too. Gentle, but strong enough to melt the ice in Sonyoung’s heart.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Here’s a towel so you can dry yourself off.”

 

Seokmin draped the large towel over Soonyoung’s head, since he wouldn’t step foot past the entryway of the apartment. When Soonyoung didn’t do anything, Seokmin started drying the boy off himself. He ruffled the towel gently as it soaked up the water in Soonyoung’s hair. When his hair was sufficiently dry, he moved onto his body. Soonyoung’s clothes refused to let go of much water, so it stayed uncomfortably wet.

 

Seokmmin smiled gently, showing much more concern than he should have.

 

“Come, take a hot shower. You’re going to catch a cold.”

 

Soonyoung didn’t move.

 

“I’ll give you some fresh clothes to wear.”

 

Seokmin took Soonyoung’s wrist and pulled him inside the apartment. The lights were a warm yellow, and the house smelled like flowers. The temperature was nice and toasty, and he could feel his muscles stop shivering. Seokmin’s home comforted Soonyoung much more than his own.

 

Seokmin maneuvered them to the bathroom. He turned on the light and pulled Soonyoung inside and then left.

 

“Wait just one second, okay? Let me get you clothes and a new towel.

 

He left Soonyoung alone in the bathroom, but not for long, He came back with new clothes, for both himself and Soonyoung, and set the dry clothes on top of the sink counter.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll take a shower after you.. I’m going to wait in the living room, okay?”

 

It was subtle, but Soonyoung could see a slight shiver in Seokmin’s arms. He must have been cold too, but he was letting a stranger warm up first. Why was he so nice?

 

As Seokmin turned to walk away, Soonyoung grabbed his sleeve. Seokmin glanced back and saw him looking downwards.

 

“How stupid. Has anyone ever told you that you’re stupid? You’re going to catch a cold too.”

 

Seokmin grinned widely. “Idiots can’t catch colds,” he said as he sniffled.

 

“Let’s take a bath together.”

 

The boy nudged Soonyoung playfully.

 

“Oh, Hoshi, I didn’t know you were this bold.”

 

“Soonyoung.”

 

“Hmmm? What?”

 

“My name. It’s Soonyoung.”

 

“Soonyoung? It’s not Hoshi?”

 

“Just get in the bath. But just one thing… you have to promise you won’t look at me…”

 

“I can try, but I can’t promise that.”

 

Soonyoung considered for a moment.

 

“What if I blindfolded you?”

 

“Blindfolded me? I’ve never taken a bath while blindfolded… I think that’s kind of dangerous?”

 

“I’ll make sure you don’t run into anything. You’ll just have to trust me.”

 

The brunette flashed a quick smile.

 

“Ok, I trust you.”

 

“See? That’s why you’re an idiot. Why would you trust someone you picked up from the streets?”

 

“Who knows. Maybe because it’s you?”

 

“You don’t know me.”

 

“But it’s still you.”

 

“What does that even mean?”

 

“Hmmm… Secret!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The two of them came out of the bath without injuries and were now lying on Seokmin’s full-sized bed. It was a snug fit with the two of them, but neither were in danger of falling off. The room was dimly lit, with the only light source being a bedside lamp. The sheets were fluffy, and Soonyoung’s freshly cleaned skin grazed the soft blanket. It felt nice. He looked at Seokmin, who was facing him. Why did he feel so comfortable around him? He felt no need to raise his guard. Somehow, Seokmin seemed like a pure person. He was like a saint. Perhaps an idiot of a saint, but a saint nonetheless.

 

The two were silent for a while, just looking into each other’s eyes. It was Seokmin who broke the silence.

 

“Soonyoung,” he whispered.

 

Soonyoung expected him to ask questions, but he didn’t.

 

“I’m Seokmin.”

 

“You told me that already.”

 

“My parents live around thirty minutes from here by train.”

 

Soonyoung blinked. He didn’t know where Seokmin was going with this.

 

“My uncle lives nearby. This is actually his house, but he lives somewhere closer to the city. He’s pretty well off, which is why I have such a decent place to myself. I have a pretty good relationship with him.”

 

Soonyoung shivered slightly, bringing his legs closer to his body.

 

“Sorry, are you cold?” Asked a worried Seokmin.

 

“No, I’m fine. Why are you telling me this? Are you planning on sharing your life’s story?”

 

“Why am I telling you?” Seokmin placed his hand on top of Soonyoung’s which was resting in the small space between them. When Soonyoung didn’t resist, he clasped his hand around it.

 

“I guess, because it feels like I should?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I don’t know. I feel comfortable around you, but I don’t know you.”

 

“You don’t know me. Telling me about your life won’t make you know me any better.”

 

“I know… but maybe it will help you feel more comfortable around me?”

 

_ I already feel so at peace. You don’t need to do this. _

 

Soonyoung just looked at him, and Seokmin took that as a sign to continue.

 

“I’m an only child, and I’m in my third year of middle school. My grades aren’t the best, but I’m still able to pass. For the most part, anyway.”

 

Soonyoung showed the tiniest smile, finding Seokmin’s story amusing

 

“Hey, you smiled.”

 

“So?”

 

Seokmin grinned so widely that Soonyoung swore it was the brightest, most genuine smile he had ever seen.

 

“That means it’s working, right?”

 

“Go to sleep. It’s late.”

 

“Alright, but… Can I ask you a question first?”

 

“What is it?”

 

Seokmin took a deep breath and squeezed Soonyoung’s hand.

 

“What were you doing out in the rain?”

 

Soonyoung didn’t answer.

 

Instead he looked off to the side and pulled the blankets closer to himself. He closed his eyes, trying hint that he wanted to sleep. He felt the warm touch of Seokmin’s fingers run through his slightly damp hair.

 

“It’s okay if you don’t tell me. I’m just a stranger, after all”

 

Soonyoung heard a soft sigh and could feel the shifting of the blankets. Seokmin was tucking him in even tighter.

 

“Goodnight, Soonyoung.”

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Soonyoung woke up, he was alone. The other side of the bed as cool when he felt it, meaning Seokmin had been gone for a while. He looked over at the bedside dresser to see what time it was, but something caught his attention.

 

It was a flower. A small lilac flower with delicate petals was on top of a folded piece of paper with “Hoshi” written on it.

 

_ He must really be an idiot. I told him my name was Soonyoung. _

 

He picked up the tiny flower by its stem and brought it to his nose to smell its fragrance. With it being such a small flower, he could only detect a subtle scent. It was relaxing, and reminded him of how he felt when Seokmin first hugged him.

 

He then picked up the paper and unfolded it to reveal its contents. Written inside was a short note.

 

_ “I wanted to stay until you woke up, but then I would have been late to class. You can stay, or you can leave. I won’t force you to do either… But I think I want to see you one more time. Please?” _

  
He wondered what school it was that there were classes at this time, since most schools were on break. Unless he was taking a supplementary class of some sort. He  _ did _ mention that his grades weren’t wonderful.

 

_ He is an idiot after all. _

 

The last part of the letter almost seemed like a confession, but that was just probably the way Seokmin was. Soonyoung couldn’t deny that he wanted to stay here longer, but that would be too much of a burden. That, and he couldn’t escape his issues forever. Eventually he would have to return, and it was probably best that it was sooner rather than later. He folded the note and placed it and the flower back where it was before throwing his legs over the bed to stand up. He stretched as he looked around. The room was small, but cozy. It was relatively clean, but there were a few clothes scattered, but it was appealing to Soonyoung. It was evidence that a person actually lived here.

 

He explored the house in order to find his clothes. They were in the dryer still, from the night before, now slightly wrinkled from having been there for so long. He pulled them out of the machine and changed into them immediately, placing his borrowed pajamas neatly folded on top of the washer. He then returned to the bedroom to take collect the flower and note that was left for him. As long as he had them, he would be certain that this wasn’t just some pleasant dream. He would be reminded of a shining, bright moment of his life in the middle of the dreary rainy season of spring.

 

Scanning the house one last time, breathing in the warm scent that he would never smell again, he left, fully clothed and barefooted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Purple Lilac - First emotions of love


	3. A Second Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that the tone of this chapter is a little different, but I want the tone to reflect Soonyoung's state of mind, so it will probably change a lot throughout the fic

“I welcome you all to the 43rd entrance ceremony. I hope you will find yourself discovering great things here at our school, as well as discover yourself. High school is a time for great things...”

 

The chairman had a booming voice that reverberated through the air of the gymnasium. It made it hard to ignore his speech, but being that it was almost exactly the same speech as the year before, Soonyoung was able to drone out his words. He didn’t understand why he had to listen to this again. He internally groaned at the thought that he would have to hear it again the next year.

 

He started fanning his face. Even if the air conditioning was on, with so many people crowded in one place, it was bound to get hot. The heat was grabbing his attention much more easily than the chairman’s speech. Judging by how long the speech took the year before, Soonyoung estimated that he would have to stand there for another fifteen minutes. Ten if he was lucky. He looked around at the other students. Some seemed to be as distressed as he was. Others were giving their full attention to the chairman. A few were whispering and snickering amongst themselves.

 

Soonyoung longed for some kind of distraction at the moment. Something other than the chairman’s speech to take his mind off of the heat. It wasn’t much longer that such a distraction came.

 

There was a group of boys to the side of him, far enough that he couldn’t see them due to the mass of students in the way, but close enough that he can hear their playful banter. What he heard next was what made him turn his head.

 

“Hey, Lee Seokmin! Stop it!”

 

As much as he tried, Soonyoung still couldn’t see who these boys were. His heart felt hopeful, but at the same time, he couldn’t be sure. Was this the same Seokmin as he was thinking of? The Seokmin he had met also had the surname Lee, didn’t he?

 

A loud clearing of the throat amplified by the speakers made Soonyoung turn his head to the front again.

 

“And so, this concludes our opening ceremony. You may now go to your home rooms.”

 

With the chairman’s announcement, the perfectly lined up students dispersed in the direction of their respectful classes. Soonyoung used this opportunity to head in the direction he heard Seokmin’s name. 

 

_ It can’t be… can it? _

 

He was stopped when someone tapped his shoulder. He looked to see who it was.

 

“Oh, it’s you, Jihoon.”

 

“Nice seeing you, too. I’m glad we’re both so glad to see each other,” the smaller boy replied sarcastically.

 

Soonyoung smiled lightly.

 

“I missed you too.”

 

Soonyoung glanced back at where he was originally headed. There were so many students that looking for a particular person was hopeless. He kept his gaze in that direction for just a little longer.

 

“Hmm? Do you see someone you know?”

 

“What? No, it’s nothing. We should probably get going to homeroom.”

 

Jihoon was a friend he had made in middle school. On their first day of class, they sat next to each other near the back, neither acknowledging the other. When lunch break began, however, they were the only two not trying to socialize and make new friends. Out of curiosity, Soonyoung looked over at Jihoon, who was already staring back at Soonyoung. He could immediately recognize the pain concealed within his eyes. It was then that he realized that they were the same. Jihoon seemed to have realized it too, and ever since then, they shared a sort of silent understanding of each other. Neither of them ever asked the other what their problems were. They just accepted each other’s company. It was a relationship in which they could comfort each other without ever saying a word, and without ever having to expose their dark secrets.

 

Jihoon broke Soonyoung from his thoughts. “So you decided not to drop out?”

 

They were approaching their homeroom, and Soonyoung could see the students making their way inside. Most people he recognized, but never interacted with. He tended to not involve himself with others, but somehow Jihoon became an exception.

 

“I figured I could put up with another year. There are only two more years until we graduate. It’s easier to find a job when you’re a high school graduate and not a drop-out”

 

“Well, if you drop out, you can always work at a salon. With how often you dye your hair, I wonder why you haven’t looked into the profession already.”

 

Soonyoung pinched the ends of his blond, damaged hair that rested on his forehead. He strained his eyes to look up at it.

 

“Do you really think someone is going to trust me to dye their hair when mine is so obviously damaged?”

 

“Good point. You’re a hopeless case.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, we’re not all prodigies at everything like you…”

 

They entered the classroom and were given assigned seats, and like almost every other year, they sat adjacent to each other. Somehow, it just always ended up that way. After they sat in their respective seats, the teacher, Ms. Kim, silenced the students and began her lesson.

 

Just like that, the day dragged on as usual. Jihoon beside him diligently took notes while Soonyoung just rested his head on his hand and let the information soak in. Although he had trouble with cooking and sports, he never had much of a problem with academics. He retained information well enough to pass his classes without trying. He seldom got full marks, but he didn’t ever feel the need to try hard enough to. His goal was to pass, not to be at the top of his class. Jihoon, on the other hand, did care. He took the effort to maintain first place in class rankings because unlike Soonyoung, his goal was to be accepted into a university with a scholarship. 

 

Unlike Soonyoung, Jihoon had goals. What, then, did Soonyoung really want to do with his life?

 

Soon enough, the day was over. The students eagerly shuffled around to pack their belongings to leave. Soonyoung rested his head on his desk and watched as Jihoon packed his things as well. Jihoon neatly placed his notebooks and textbooks into his bag with care, organizing things in a very specific manner. Soonyoung was never able to tell if he was a neat-freak or a major perfectionist. Maybe he was both.

 

“I’m going to the library,” Jihoon said when he was finished packing. “Do you want to come with?”

 

The thought of voluntarily going to  library made Soonyoung scowl.

 

“Not really.”

 

“Just going to go home?”

 

“... Probably not.”

 

Jihoon nodded in understanding.

 

“Why don’t you join a club then? What happened to you and your taekwondo club?”

 

Soonyoung sighed, his head still on his desk.

 

“That was in middle school. And besides, it’s hard for me to be active now. You know…”

 

“Because of things?”

 

“Because of things.”

 

“What if you join the literature club or something?”

 

Soonyoung squinted.

 

“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Then, no.”

 

“That was a quick answer.”

 

“I hate reading, why would I willingly join a club where you do nothing but read?”

 

“You wouldn’t have to move much.”

 

“Maybe if there was a fun club.”

 

“Join the drama club.”

 

“The drama club?”

 

“Hey, look, I want to help you, but I can’t be here all day. Someone’s expecting me in the library to tutor them, so I have to go. I don’t want to lose a client.”

 

“Yeah, I get it. You can go.”

 

Jihoon tapped Soonyoung’s shoulder blade as encouragement before he speed walked out of the classroom. As soon as he heard the door close and Jihoon’s footsteps fade away, Soonyoung rolled his head so that his forehead was touching the cool desk. He closed his eyes, intending to sleep. He wanted to let the time pass peacefully and painlessly. 

 

He stayed in this position for at least 15 minutes, but sleep didn’t come. He opened his eyes and saw the blurred wood patterns of the desk up close. He swept his eyes along the pattern to occupy his mind somehow, since he wasn’t able to sleep. This wasn’t working. Time was passing too painfully slow.

 

_ Drama club it is. _

 

He sat up and stuffed his belonging into his bag, but made sure not to crinkle any books. He didn’t want to pay for damages when he has to return them at the end of the year. He got up, slung his bag over his shoulder, and left the classroom, not bothering to push in his chair.

 

The hallways were relatively empty as he walked down them. Every so often there would be a couple of students roaming, but he didn’t give any of them a glance. He was searching for the particular classroom he was told the drama club held its meetings. After exploring the halls, he finally found it. He glanced up at the clock that hung just above the classroom name.

 

_ They’re probably about halfway done with their club activities by now. _

 

He hesitantly placed his hand on the door. Even after coming all the way here, he wasn’t sure he really wanted to do this. But then, he thought about his other options and made up his mind. He slowly slid open the door, trying not to cause much noise. When he looked inside, he saw a handful of students inside, most of them in one corner. He wasn’t sure who he was supposed to talk to, or what he was supposed to be doing, so he stayed at the entrance, just watching.

 

His gaze was focused on the majority of the boys in the corner. They were facing away from him, so he couldn’t see any of their faces. They seemed to be joking around and having fun. Soonyoung wasn’t sure if this was the club for him, and seeing their high energy convinced him of that even more. He considered closing the door and leaving. No one had spotted him yet, so it would be like he never came in the first place. 

 

Just then, one of the boys happened to turn and see Soonyoung standing at the door.

 

_ Great. There goes my chance at quietly escaping. _

 

“Hey! Are you interested in joining?” He asked in a bubbly manner.

 

“I, uh…”

 

The boy quickly walked over to him and offered him hand.

 

“I’m Seungkwan. Boo Seungkwan.”

 

Soonyoung looked Seungkwan’s hand as if he didn’t know what a handshake was. 

 

_ Do I really want to do this? _

 

“Hey, Boo Seungkwan! What’s taking you so lo-”

 

Soonyoung made eye contact with the boy who made the outburst. Upon recognizing the boy, his body became weak for a moment, but he suddenly felt energy building up in his legs. He needed to run. And so he did.

 

He wasn’t exactly sure why he was running. Maybe it was that he didn’t expect to see Seokmin there. Even though he wanted to see him again, he didn’t have time to prepare himself for the possibility that he might actually see him. He hadn’t figured out what he would say to him if the small chance that he would meet him came true.

 

Soonyoung could feel his lungs burn. His breath was ragged, but his feet stepped in an even pace. His bag kept flopping, hitting his back with every step. He felt so loud at that moment. There was so much noise, from the harsh stomps of his feet, to the slight wheeze in every exhale. His running form felt all over the place. It had been too long since he last exercised properly.

 

He must have been so loud that he wasn’t able to hear the steps behind him, because the next thing he knew, his momentum was reversed by a sharp yank on his arm. The sudden change in direction made him disoriented, and he dropped his bag. He looked up at the owner of the hand that was his holding onto his arm.

 

Seokmin looked just as disheveled as Soonyoung did. He was leaning over trying to catch his breath, but his grip was strong. His head was down from fatigue, but Soonyoung could recognize his figure.

 

“Wait, Hoshi…”

 

_ Hoshi? Oh right. _

 

“Soonyoung.”

 

Seokmin looked up. “Huh?”

 

“It’s Soonyoung.”

 

“Oh, right. Sorry… Soonyoung.”

 

Soonyoung liked the sound of his name when it was in Seokmin’s voice. It was sickeningly sweet, like honey. It was coaxing him to let his guard down, just like the last time. He almost gave into the beckoning.

 

“So you’re a second year?”

 

Soonyoung looked down at his tie, a silky light pink, indicating that he was a second year. He glanced over at Seokmin’s tie, and it was a dusty silver color, like all of the other first years. He remembered Seokmin telling him that he was a third year in middle school, but since that was in between the school session, it made sense that he was a first year in high school now.

 

“I am.”

 

“Weird, I thought you were younger,” Seokmin chuckled dryly.

 

“What is it?”

 

Seokmin took a deep breath, closing his eyes, as if he need to think carefully about what he wanted to say. He opened his eyes again, exposing sadness, or perhaps guilt.

 

“Can you answer something? If you want me to never show up in front of you again, that’s fine, but I just want to know.”

 

_ I should never have shown up in front of you. I’m the one in the wrong. _

 

“What is it?”

 

“Why weren’t you there when I came back that day? Did I say something wrong? Did I  _ do _ something wrong?”

 

_ You’re not supposed to pick up a stray just because you pity it. That stray might get false hopes.  _

 

“No.”

 

“Then why?”

 

Soonyoung looked down at his arm, still being held onto tightly. When Seokmin saw his where his gaze was, he immediately released his hold, muttering a quick apology.

 

“It wasn’t anything you said. Or anything you did.”

 

“Then?”

 

“I left because I didn’t want to be selfish.”

 

“It wouldn’t be selfish if I wanted you to stay, now would it?”

 

_ No, it would be selfish because I wouldn’t ever want to leave. _

 

Soonyoung picked up his bag that was on the floor.

 

“I didn’t get to say this before, but thank you for everything you did.”

 

He turned around, half expecting Seokmin to pull him back again, but he didn’t.

 

“Does that mean you don’t want to see me again?”

 

Soonyoung walked forward. He didn’t answer Seokmin, because he didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t want Seokmin to have to be involved with him, but he wanted so badly to be comforted by him. He wanted to tell him everything, and for Seokmin to tell him that everything would be okay. If Seokmin were the one to tell him that, he might actually believe it. The more he imagined it, the more he desired those comforting words.

 

Was it okay for him to be selfish, just this once?


	4. You Occupy My Thoughts

“So, were you able to find something to occupy you after school?”

 

“Oh... right.”

 

Soonyoung was never fully there in the mornings. It was too early for him to comprehend all of the words spoken to him when all he wanted to do was close his eyes and let his consciousness drift away. Jihoon knew this, so he usually saved more important topics of conversations for later. However, there were the occasional times where he wanted Soonyoung to pay attention to what he was saying.

 

“What did you do yesterday, then? You didn’t just go home, did you?”

 

“No, I don’t think so… I went home... ”

 

Soonyoung laid his head down, using his arms as a pillow. His eyes slowly started to close.

 

“Did you finish your math homework?”

 

Soonyoung jerked upright and looked at Jihoon wide-eyed.

 

“That was due today? It’s only been a day since school started!”

 

“No, it’s not due until later. I was just wondering if you did it,” chuckled the amused boy.

 

Soonyoung slouched back into his arms, but he was definitely awake now.

 

“You’re awful, you know that?”

 

“It’s your fault for making me feel like I’m having a conversation with a badly programmed AI.”

 

“Sorry. I just have some things on my mind.”

 

“Is it school-related?”

 

Soonyoung sighed. “Kind of. It’s just… there’s someone I didn’t exactly expect to see here. I don’t know what to do about it.”

 

“What do you feel about it so far?”

 

“I’m not sure. I probably made a bad impression on them yesterday.”

 

“And you want to fix that?”   
  


“No… I mean yes, but that’s not what I’m unsure about.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Soonyoung sighed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell him. It was that he didn’t know how to. Jihoon was never one to pry, so unless Soonyoung chose to say something, Jihoon would never know.

 

“I met this guy, Seokmin, before school started, and it was only for less that a day, but I really enjoyed spending time with him. I’m assuming he liked it too, since he seemed upset that I just up and left. Or he was upset because I didn’t thank him or something, but I doubt it. He seems like a really genuine person. But when I went to check out the drama club yesterday, he was there, and he recognized me. I ran away, so we really didn’t get to talk. I mean, I liked him, but seeing him suddenly was a bit overwhelming. I just don’t know what to do.”

 

“So you don’t know… what you want from him?”

 

“I know what I want from him. I want to be around him and get to know him better, but the problem is me. I don’t know what to do because of what’s on  _ my _ end. I don’t want him to have to deal with me and my burdens. I mean, feel bad enough that  _ you _ have to deal with me.”

 

“You feel bad that I have to deal with you? What the hell are you trying to say? I don’t deal with you. I’m spending my time to speak with you out of my own will. Do you know what that means? It means that I enjoy your company. When I talk to you, you don’t expect me to explain everything, and you don’t try to meddle with  _ my _ problems. I don’t know who this Seokmin guy is, but if he is the one to approach you, then he probably wants to spend time with you one way or another. Just tell him how you feel, and if he doesn’t want to involve himself anymore, then so be it. If you’re the one struggling to make a decision, why not let him decide? Friendship isn’t one-sided, you know. You should consider his opinion if you can’t make up your mind.”

 

Soonyoung considered Jihoon’s words carefully. At times like these, he was glad to have him as a friend. Jihoon was able to think more rationally than anyone else he knew, despite not speaking so gently. 

 

“You’re right.”

 

“Aren’t I always?”

 

“Sure,” the blond scoffed as Ms. Kim began her lecture. He lowered his voice and leaned over slightly. “Thanks.”

 

Jihoon gave a small nod of acknowledgement, then faced the front of the room, pen in hand hovering over an open notebook, ready to take notes.

 

Soonyoung faced the front as well, and as usual, his desk was bare. He rested his elbow on the desk and propped up his forearm in order to support his chin. Ms. Kim’s voice filled the classroom, and the students gave her their attention.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It happened before he realized what was going on. Lunch break had already begun, and for some reason, a happy-go-lucky boy was in front of Soonyoung’s desk. He was smiling down on him, very obviously holding something behind his back. It was the boy from the drama club the other day, Boo Seungkwan.

 

“Um… hi? Seungkwan, right?”

 

“You remembered!”

 

Soonyoung looked over at Jihoon at the desk beside him, silently asking for help, to which Jihoon shrugged.

 

“Uh, so what brings you here?”

 

“I’m here to deliver a message?”

 

“A message… from Seokmin?”

 

“Bingo! He wasn’t sure you would be happy to see him, so he sent me instead.”

 

“Oh, well… what’s the message?”

 

Seungkwan looked around, then promptly set a small handful of flowers on Soonyoung’s desk. He immediately dashed off afterwards.

 

“Flowers? What’s the message?”

 

He picked up a flower and inspected it. It had deep purple velvety petals that fanned out triumphantly. The intensity of the colors increased near the center, but the center itself was a sunny yellow. It reminded him of the flower Seokmin left him that day. The lilac. Did he have a thing for purple flowers?

 

“Purple pansies,” Jihoon said suddenly.

 

“What?”

 

“Those flowers. They’re pansies.”

 

“That’s cool. I didn’t know you knew flowers, but then again, what don’t you know?.”

 

“Okay, sarcasm aside… I think the message is in the flower.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Flowers have a language of their own, you know. That flower in particular… I think this Seokmin guy really likes you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“ _ You occupy my thoughts. _ ”

 

“What? Did I miss something? What?”

 

“Don’t misunderstand. It’s what that flower means. I think that’s the message.”

 

“You occupy… Are you sure that’s right? Maybe that’s not it… Oh! What about lilacs? What do they mean?”

 

“Lilacs?” Jihoon put a hand to his chin. “If I’m not mistaken… they symbolize the first emotions of love.”

  
“L-love?”

 

Soonyoung could feel himself slowly heat up. He wasn’t used to such straightforward advances. Assuming Jihoon was right, that is. Seokmin wasn’t even there but he was affecting him. That meant that Seokmin felt something for him within the few hours that they spent together. He definitely felt something for Seokmin as well, but it was probably something different.

 

“Well, I’m going to assume he likes you. So… if he likes you enough, maybe he won’t mind you and your problems.”

 

“Maybe”

 

“Try talking to him. You never know.”

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

“Soonyoung.”

 

“I’m not rejecting the idea. I just… need to commit to a decision.”   
  


“Well you’re going to have to decide before school ends.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Soonyoung didn’t pay attention to lecture after it started again. He twirled his pencil in his hands, watching mindlessly as it spun. 

 

“Kwon Soonyoung.”

 

“Hmm?” the blond dropped his pencil to the floor as he looked up in response to the teacher’s call.

 

“Would you come up to the board to solve the problem?”

 

Soonyoung glanced at the board. It was full of chalk markings. When did she write so much?

 

He reluctantly got up from his seat and slowly made his way to the board, trying to evaluate the problem in his short ten-second walk up. He just as slowly grabbed a piece of chalk, still keeping his eyes on the board.

 

_ Oh. She taught this yesterday. _

 

When the answer clicked in his head, he swiftly wrote down his answer with confidence. He glanced up at Ms. Kim for approval, and when she confirmed the answer, he went back to his seat. As soon as he sat down, he put his head down using his arms as a pillow. He didn’t have to worry about being called again that lecture, and he wouldn’t be able to pay attention if he tried, so he might as well just go to sleep.

 

“Hey, Soonyoung.”

 

There was a light tap on his shoulder.

 

“Soonyoung, wake up. School’s over.”

 

He woke up, but kept his eyes closed. He felt lethargic. Naps never energized him like he thought they would, and he always ended up more tired than when he went to sleep. He yawned, stretching his arms outward, and finally opened his eyes. The classroom was empty save him and Jihoon. It was quiet enough that he could hear the clock ticking.

 

He noticed something on his desk. Something that wasn’t there before, nor was something of his. A small potted plant. It had a grouping of flowers on the top, arranged in a way that made it look like a tail. Or perhaps a bell? These flowers had delicate petals that were a soft purple.

 

Soonyoung looked at Jihoon.

 

“This…”

 

“That Seungkwan kid came back with it. From that Seokmin guy again.”

 

“What… what does this one mean?”

 

“It’s Linaria. I’m not one-hundred percent sure on the meaning, but I’m sure it’s Linaria. You’re going to have to look up the meaning yourself. I’ve got to go. My student is probably waiting.”

 

“See you tomorrow.”

 

“See you.”

 

Soonyoung pulled out his phone from his pocket and opened a search engine.

 

“Li… na… ri… a”

 

It took less than a second for results to pop up. He clicked on the first result, which showed a picture of the flower and some basic information. The flower was right, but it didn’t tell him what it meant. He went back to the search bar to modify his search.”

 

“Linaria meaning.”

 

Again, he clicked on the first result that showed up. He scanned the meaning quickly, and then shut off the phone screen. He buried his head down in his arms after feeling his face heat up.

 

“Lee Seokmin… why are you so direct?”

 

He took some deep breaths to calm himself down, and he made his decision. He wanted to be around Seokmin. Maybe it wasn’t in the same way that Seokmin wanted him, but maybe it was. He just really wanted to give in to his selfishness so much that it surprised him.

 

He leaned over to pick up his long since abandoned pencil when he spotted it on the floor and stuffed it in his bag. He hadn’t taken anything else out that day, so there was nothing else to pack. He grabbed his bag and picked up the potted plant, then headed for the drama room.

 

It took him less time to get there than the day before, since he knew where it was located now. However, it still took him a bit of him to find the courage to open the door. This time though, he didn’t have to find the courage. The door opened suddenly when he didn’t expect it, revealing the boy he was looking for. It caught him off-guard, as he hadn’t yet figured out what he wanted to say to him, and he started uttering sounds but couldn’t form words with them. Seokmin looked surprised as well, but only watched as Soonyoung struggled with his words.

 

The flustered blond looked down, then remembered the potted plant that he was still holding. He raised the pot towards Seokmin’s face.

 

“I… this.”

 

“Do you know what it means?”

 

Soonyoung couldn’t bring himself to look at Seokmin’s eyes as he answered.

 

“I think so.”

 

“And?”

 

“I don’t know if I feel the same. I don’t know what I feel, actually. I think I just want to be around you.”

 

Seokmin inhaled deeply, and Soonyoung finally looked at him. He softly exhaled and smiled softly, and Soonyoung was suddenly conscious of that familiar feeling of safety. That familiar feeling of home.

 

“I want to be around you too. I like you a lot, which I guess might seem weird since we don’t know each other than well, but I like being around you. I liked holding your hand and falling asleep together. I’m probably an idiot, but I at least know my own feelings. I like you, even if I don’t have many reasons to yet. I mean, who really needs a reason to like someone? Falling in love is just something that happens, whether you’re ready for it or not. Not that I love you or anything. I just… like you. And I hope that you’ll like me back one day, but for now, you knowing how I feel is enough. So, I think it’s safe to say that I want to be around you too.”

 

Soonyoung listened to his heartfelt words, staring directly into his eyes as the boy spoke, with Seokmin staring right back. There was something in this moment that was just so genuine, and it was truthfully a foreign feeling. He felt bare, even though he hadn’t exposed anything. It just somehow felt stripped of everything and was facing Seokmin as the purely and sincerely Kwon Soonyoung, and nothing more, nothing less. Soonyoung began to wonder if there was such a thing as soulmates, and if he had found his. He couldn’t describe it in any way other than it felt right. 

 

He wanted to hold him at that moment. It wasn’t a logical next step or anything. It was instinct. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Seokmin, one hand still holding onto the potted Linaria. Seokmin didn’t say anything as he hugged Soonyoung back, bringing a hand up to stroke his blond, damaged hair. Seokmin leaned his head against Soonyoung’s and started humming a comforting melody.

 

_ I wonder if this is what home feels like. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Linaria: Please notice my love for you


	5. Love Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I guess my updates will always be slow.. sorry  
> Anyways, I hope this chapter isn't too boring.  
> As a note, the setting is back to the present

Soonyoung was sitting on a chair, waiting to be called in to visit Seokmin. A single flower rested on his lap, threatening to fall as Soonyoung bounced his leg up and down out of nervousness. He shivered slightly. Even though it was already spring, the weather hadn’t warmed up to a comfortable temperature yet. He was regretting not bringing a jacket by now. He was inspecting the goosebumps on his forearms when he heard a familiar voice call his name.

 

“Kwon Soonyoung.”

 

He stood up quickly, jerking his head up, making eye contact with guard he had met the last time.

 

“Kwon Geonwoo.”

 

Geonwoo’s lips hinted at a small smile, which Soonyoung returned. He opened the door to a hallway and tilted his head toward it.

 

“Let’s go see your lover.”

 

Soonyoung followed the guard as he took the same path as the day before. The only thing different was Geonwoo had a clipboard in his hand, which he kept tapping against his thigh with a steady rhythm, opposite of his steps. The two walked in an awkward silence for a while, but suddenly Geonwoo stopped, forcing Soonyoung to halt his steps as well so that he wouldn’t run into the guard. Soonyoung looked at him in confusion, since they hadn’t yet reached their destination.

 

“Is there something wrong?”

 

Geonwoo turned to face him. Soonyoung notice his fingers fidget from anxiety.

 

“Well, there’s nothing wrong, it’s just…”

 

The hesitation in his voice worried Soonyoung. Had something happened to Seokmin?

 

“What? Just what? What happened? Is everything okay?”

 

Geonwoo put his head down.

 

“It’s just… Sorry, curiosity got the best of me. I tried to resist, really. I completely understand if you’re mad at me.”

 

Soonyoung tiled his head in confusion.

 

“Mad at what? What did you do? I don’t understand…”

 

“I…” Geonwoo lifted the clipboard to turn Soonyoung’s attention to it. He looked at the boy with guilt.

 

“What is that?”

 

“It’s… his records… I read what happened…”

 

“Do you mean Seokmin? You read his case?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“... oh.”

 

The guard raised his head at the anticlimactic response. He stepped closer to inspect the blond’s face.

 

“What? Oh? That’s it? You’re not mad?”

 

“I mean, you would have found out eventually. I expected you to at some point.”

 

“Oh… I guess so. Still, I feel like I should apologize. I feel like I stuck my nose where it doesn’t belong. I can’t help or hurt him either way, so. Though, the details weren’t all on here. I don’t know if this is a badly typed report, or if some files got lost, or what.”

 

“I can guarantee you that everything is in there.”

 

“Are you sure? What makes you say that?”

 

Soonyoung sighed, looking at the ceiling in despair for a brief second before continuing.

 

“The trial was unfair. It was rushed. There aren’t many details because they rushed to close the case without confirming much. They didn’t investigate enough, and they didn’t ask enough questions. Someone paid off Seokmin’s lawyer, so he didn’t fight for his case as much as he should have. That’s how he ended up locked up, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

 

A wrinkle formed as Geonwoo scrunched his brows in disbelief.

 

“How would they have gotten away with that? With the jury and everything...”

 

“Everything about this world is corrupt, you know. Everything. Anyone can get away with anything, so it’s only the honest ones that get the short end of the stick.”

 

“You say that as if you’re not honest.”

 

Soonyoung looked to the closest wall.

 

“You’re right.”

 

Geonwoo sighed.

 

“That’s pretty upsetting. That someone as young as you would have gone through enough to say that.”

 

“It’s not as upsetting as Seokmin being locked up like he is. The judges refused to see any side of the story except for one. The one that characterized him as a cold-blooded monster.”

 

“I know this might be… a bad question, but can I ask you something? About the whole thing?”

 

“What is it?”

 

“The trial was unfair, but did he actually…”

 

Soonyoung let out a huff of air.

 

“Yeah, he did it, okay? But if you actually looked at the situation, you would realize that it wasn’t his fault. It was self-defense from that bastard, okay? I told the jury over and over, but what power do my words have? Why should the court listen to some bratty high school drop-out, huh? Just because I didn’t finish high school doesn’t mean my words shouldn’t mean anything! It doesn’t mean I should be brushed aside like I’m trash to society! If I knew this would happen, I wouldn’t have dropped out. If I knew that I would become useless to Seokmin…”

 

Soonyoung’s jaw tightened as he pursed his lips. Thinking back to the unfair trial, he couldn’t help but feel regrets. He couldn’t help but think about all of the “what if’s” or “if only’s”. There was no changing the past, but he wanted to cling onto the slightest chance that he could change the way things were. If he were a university student, then maybe things would change. If he only had more power, he could erase the cold and cruel “guilty” plastered on Seokmin’s name.

 

After his rant, he looked up at Geonwoo, who wore an expression of pity and shock.

 

“I’m sorry for asking… I should have known it wasn’t his fault.”

 

Soonyoung sighed, releasing his tension, realizing he was getting mad at the wrong person.

 

“Don’t be. You had nothing to do with it… I was just taking it out on you...”

 

“Still… That’s not fair...”

 

“Yeah, well the world is never fair.”

 

“So then, he’s asking to appeal his case?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“When is the retrial?”

 

“Soon. I don’t know the details, but it’s this month.”

 

“Do you have new evidence?”

 

“No. I’m just going to try to get them to see things my way.”

 

“I probably won’t be of much help, but I’ll be cheering for you on the sidelines.”

 

Soonyoung smiled. “Thanks.”

 

Geonwoo cleared his throat to change the topic.

 

“Just wondering though, what’s the flower for? Is there another occasion? Last time you came I thought it was your anniversary… What is it this time? No matter what it is, you know I can’t give it to him.”

 

Soonyoung lifted the bright, yellow tulip and his face visibly brightened.

 

“I know. I just wanted to show him. That’s all that matters really. It’s just a love letter.”

 

“A love letter?”

 

“Mmhmm. Seokmin really likes flowers to the point that he knows what a lot of them mean. Oh, like the language of flowers. Because flowers have a language. Sorry, I’m not as good at explaining things.”

 

Geonwoo chuckled lightly. “That’s fine. I understand what you’re trying to say.”

 

“Anyways, so he knows the language of flowers, and he basically confessed through them. I didn’t care for flowers much, so I had to look up their meanings, but it got the message across. Really we’ve been doing this from the start to communicate things that aren’t as easy to say with words. Well,  _ he _ did this from the start. I didn’t know what was going on until later. But all I have to do is show him a flower and he’ll understand what I want to say. It isn’t as important that he gets to keep it. It’s more important that he saw it in the first place.”

 

Soonyoung glanced up at Geonwoo, who was smiling fondly. He was suddenly aware that he spoke so much about a topic not many people would be interested in, but thankfully the guard didn’t seem annoyed. The two started walking again to the visitation room after their long pause. Geonwoo put his hands comfortably behind his back.

 

“I see. It’s a nice way to get messages across. But don’t forget that words are just as important. You might not be able to get your entire message across with a letter. Especially when it comes to really important matters.”

 

“You’re right. But sometimes words are hard to say.”

 

“Even to your lover?”

 

“Yeah, even to him.”

 

“Well I have some advice for you, kiddo.  Say everything you need to say, when you need to say it. You never know when it will be your last chance to do so. If you don’t, you might regret it one day.”

 

“Do you regret something you didn’t say?”

 

“I regret a lot of things I didn’t say. I should have figured one day they would be gone, considering the line of work I was in.”

 

“You weren’t always a prison guard?”

 

“Oh, no. I was a firefighter before. And as you know, it’s a pretty dangerous job to have. We all have several partners, since trust is really important. You become a family when you have a bond like that. Of course, we’ll have disagreements and fights sometimes, but in the end, we all love each other.”

 

“Sounds like you really care for your partners.”

 

“Yeah. Which is why when a fire took them all away, I couldn’t work as a firefighter anymore. It wasn’t because I was scared for my life. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have taken the job in the first place. It was because it hurt too much to continue working there when none of my partners ever could again. I was the only one in my team of five who survived, and it was a miracle that I did. I was in critical condition for a week. I still have a scar on my arm from where a beam fell on me, but I’m glad it’s there. It’s a constant reminder of the family that I had there.”

 

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

 

“I am too, kid.”

 

“So you regret the things you didn’t say… to your partners?”

 

“Yeah. I regret not thanking them for always having my back. I regret not apologizing for all the hurtful things I’ve done and said. I regret not telling them how much they mean to me. I regret not telling them a lot of things, even if I knew they understood how I felt. It’s just really meaningful to say the words rather than just conveying them, you know?”

 

“Yeah… I guess.”

 

“That’s why even if you don’t think anything will happen, you should say everything you need to. Even if nothing happens, it’s nice to get the words across anyways.”

 

Soonyoung looked at the flower he was holding and bit his lip. Geonwoo happened to see his distress and let out laughter.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s fine to keep sending each other your love letters. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t forget accompanying them with words.”

 

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks for telling me something so personal.”

 

“I don’t mind. If my stories will help a youngster not make the same mistakes I did, then I’ll gladly tell them. And besides, you’re a fellow Kwon. We’re kin in a sense.”

 

Geonwoo winked and lightly slapped Soonyoung’s shoulder. 

 

“And if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll be here. When things don’t look good, when things are looking great, I’m willing to hear it all. Okay?”

 

Soonyoung looked at the smiling guard. Maybe it was because they shared a connection of a last name, but he felt that he would be able to rely on him.

 

“Thank you.”

 

By now, they reached the door to the visitation room. Geonwoo opened the door for Soonyoung.

 

“After you.”

 

The blond walked in, his face showing relief when he saw a cheerful Seokmin. He couldn’t contain his smile, and his heart felt warm. It had only been a day, but he had missed him so much already.

 

“Welcome back,” said Seokmin, his smile widening slightly when he saw the yellow tulip in Soonyoung’s hand. The change in expression was subtle, but Soonyoung noticed it. He noticed it, and let out a loving sigh, as there was nothing he loved more than Seokmin’s smile.

  
_ I’m home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow Tulips: There's sunshine in your smile  
> Note: The next chapter will go back to building up their past.


	6. Tell Me More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And back to the past

“What’s your favorite color?”

 

Soonyoung and Seokmin were sitting in the hallway against the wall, just outside of the drama club room. Soonyoung hadn’t yet committed to joining, but still wanted to talk to Seokmin, so the younger suggested talking in the hallway. Soonyoung sat with his arms wrapped around his legs, and used his knees as a chin rest. Seokmin sat with his legs spread on the floor. The distance between them was short, but enough of a distance so that neither touched the other. Soonyoung didn’t have much to offer in terms of conversation, so Seokmin started asking him random questions to fill the silent air.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t have one. I don’t get why one color would be better than another. They’re all the same to me.”

 

“Oh… Then what’s your favorite food?”

 

“If it’s edible, I’ll eat it. I’m not that picky of an eater.”

 

“Do you have any fun hobbies?”

 

“Hobbies? Not anymore. I used to do Taekwondo though.”

 

“Oh really? That’s cool. I tried boxing once, but I quit after three lessons. It was a lot more work than I thought.”

 

Soonyoung looked at him incredulously and then let out a snicker. “Somehow, that seems really like you.”

 

Seokmin stopped asking questions, and Soonyoung wondered if he ran out of things to ask. The blond looked up at him, only to find that Seokmin was looking fondly at him. He wasn’t sure what he had said to make Seokmin look so pleased.

 

“W-what is it?”

 

“You know, that’s the second time I’ve seen you smile.”

 

At the unexpected response, Soonyoung looked at the ground immediately, suddenly self-conscious of himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to smile in front of Seokmin, but he didn’t expected the boy to be counting the instances in which he had. He buried his face in his knees when he felt the blood rising to his cheeks. It seems that Seokmin had a talent in making him blush.

 

“Sorry,” the brunette said a little too loudly. “Did I say something wrong?”

 

“No.” The response was stifled because Soonyoung spoke into his knees. “You’re just kind of really forward.”

 

“Oh sorry. Does it bother you? Should I stop?”

 

The blond tilted his head slightly so that he could see Seokmin through one eye. Seokmin was staring right at him, his brows raised in inquiry and concern. Soonyoung kept his head tilted, but looked away.

 

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

 

“If it bothers you, I can stop.”

 

Soonyoung placed a hand on his head, combing through his coarse hair. 

 

“No, don’t stop…” His hand ceased its movement, but his fingers twiddled on a lock on his forehead. “I think I like it…”

 

There was a momentary silence.

 

“Oh my god…”

 

“Hmm?” Soonyoung looked back at Seokmin, who also brought his knees to his chest.

 

“You’re  _ really _ cute, you know that?”

 

The blond hid his face in his knees again and mumbled, “I’m not.” He could feel his ears starting to heat up as well.

 

“You are.”

 

“Let’s talk about something else.”

 

“Something else? Hmm… Oh, I know! How many people are in your family?”

 

The question cooled Soonyoung down, and he was able to lift his head again.

 

“Two. Just me and my dad.”

 

Soonyoung’s answer resulted in Seokmin looking terribly shocked and regretful.

 

“Oh, I… I didn’t mean to… Sorry for asking.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with asking. It’s been that way for as long as I remember. My dad told me that my mom left a long time ago, so I don’t really care much for her.”

 

“So then are you close with your dad?”

 

A pause.

 

“... I’m not sure. He’s not around much.”

 

Another pause. Soonyoung glanced at Seokmin once again and saw the boy looking regretful.

 

“I’m sorry, I feel like I’m invading your personal life. It’s uncomfortable, right? Am I being nosey? I am, aren’t I? I should stop, you don’t have to answer anymore. I’m stupid. Let’s talk about something else, okay?”

 

Soonyoung wasn’t sure what else to talk about. He wasn’t much of a conversation starter, and it wasn’t that he minded being asked questions. At least, not ones as innocent as these. He cast his eyes downward to think of what to say, but Seokmin started to panic. The brunette must have thought he said something wrong. He scooted closer and waved his arms around in startled confusion to try to apologize somehow, not knowing where to start. They were quite close in proximity now, Soonyoung noticed, but that wasn’t much of a problem. The problem was that Soonyoung made him feel guilty when there was no real reason for him to feel that way.

 

“Did you want to talk about your dad? We can talk about him if you want. Don’t mind me, talk about what you want to talk about. You don’t have to listen to anything I say.”

 

Though Seokmin has misinterpreted Soonyoung’s actions, the blond decided to continue with the conversation. He hadn’t thought of another topic of conversation, anyways.

 

“What should I say? Should I talk about his job? He’s an ambassador. Of Japan.”

 

As Soonyoung froze when he realized that he shared information about himself that he hadn’t shared with anyone before, Seokmin widened his eyes, equally surprised. The next words came out as a stutter from his shock.

 

“A-ambassador? Doesn’t that mean he’s… r-really important?”

 

Soonyoung shrugged. He didn’t bother interfering with his father’s occupation. It wasn’t like his father would be happy with the world knowing that he had a no-good son. But whose fault was it that he became so rotten? Soonyoung grimaced bitterly, and Seokmin seemed to take notice.

 

“Okay, maybe this isn’t working as well as I thought? How about this. You ask questions about me, hmm? Ask anything you want.”

 

Soonyoung was brought out of his unpleasant thoughts quickly. He was slightly surprised at how Seokmin’s voice replaced the negativity with curiosity. It was a strange feeling, to want to know more about a person, but at the same time, he didn’t know what he wanted to know in particular.

 

“Anything? Uh… I don’t know…” He could only think of the most basic question. “What’s your favorite color?”

 

A smile formed on Seokmin’s face.

 

“I like them all! All colors are nice, so I could never choose between them.”

 

“How about your favorite food?”

 

The smile grew wider. 

 

“There’s too many to choose from! I like everything really. Rice, soup, pasta, bread, meat, all kinds of things. Sorry for not giving you specifics. Are my answers boring?”

 

“No, they’re… interesting. More than mine anyway. What are your hobbies?”

 

Though Soonyoung didn’t think Seokmin’s smile could get any wider, it did. He was so cheerful that even Soonyoung could feel his heart lighten.

 

“Oh, that’s one I can answer more definitely. I like to sing!”

 

“You like to sing?”

 

He remembered the events from the other day, where Seokmin held him and hummed. He could only vaguely remember what it sounded like though.

 

“Yeah, do you want to hear?”

 

Soonyoung looked around for any people, but seeing that there was no visible person around, he turned back to Seokmin.

 

“Right now? In this hallway?”

 

“Yeah! It’s not like we’re going to disturb anyone.”

 

Soonyoung tilted his head.

 

“Then, just for a little bit.”

 

“Any requests?”

 

“I don’t know. Anything you want?”

 

“Hmm… Okay.”

 

The brunette then cleared his throat. He straightened his back and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and placed his hand on his chest.  And then, a soft, mellow voice came out. Soonyoung recognized the song as Mono Drama by Huh Gak. Seokmin’s voice was gentle and sweet, reminding him of the delicate flowers he received. Soonyoung closed his eyes, concentrating on listening to the music that flowed like a soft spring breeze. He felt his head drooping in the brunette’s direction, but he didn’t stop the motion from happening. Slowly, it descended until his head made contact with Seokmin’s shoulder.

 

Seokmin stopped singing just before the chorus, and it was around five seconds of silence before Soonyoung opened his eyes. He didn’t move from his position though, since he had gotten really comfortable with Seokmin’s shoulder as a pillow.

 

“Why did you stop?”

 

“I thought you wanted sleep, so I thought I would shut up.”

 

Soonyoung tilted his head to look up at Seokmin.

 

“You have a really nice voice, though. It wouldn’t be hard to fall asleep to it.”

 

Seokmin ran his hand down Soonyoung’s arm until he reached his hand, and then gently clasped it. Soonyoung curled his fingers, accepting the gesture. He looked at the two hands, and noticed how pretty Seokmin’s hands were. They were almost elegant. He rubs his thumb against Seokmin’s hand twice, then closed his eyes again.

 

“I’m going to sleep for a bit, so can you keep singing for me?”

 

He felt a shift in Seokmin’s shoulder as the boy took a deep breath in, and shortly after, the hall was once again filled with the brunette’s comforting voice. Soonyoung sighed softly as he listened to the beautiful melody. He could feel his own shoulders droop slightly, releasing tension. His grip on Seokmin’s hand loosened, and his sense of time was getting lost. He couldn’t tell how short or long the moment was, but he didn’t care. His breaths became lighter, as did his senses. Seokmin’s voice began to faintly disappear, and before he knew it, Soonyoung’s consciousness was drifting away.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_ Soonyoung found himself in a dark room. He looked around, straining his eyes from the dim lighting. The room seemed familiar, but he couldn’t exactly tell where he was. He walked to the wall to try to find a lightswitch, but the journey to the wall took longer than he expected. Why was every step so tiring? _

 

_ He looked down at his legs. They were much smaller than he expected. Of course they weren’t that long, he was barely even a toddler. He looked at the wall. Why was he searching for a light switch? There was no way he would be able to reach it. But what was he to do when the room was so uncomfortably dark? _

 

_ From the corner of his eye, he saw a sliver of light. It was light coming from the other side of the door. There were angry voices on the other side. Familiar voices. His parents’ voices. It made sense. This was his house, and he was in his room. But why were they angry? Were they arguing about something? _

 

_ He walked to the source of light and placed his small hands on the edge of the door. He noticed his hands were shaking. He was scared. Why wouldn’t he be? His parents were fighting. With all the courage he could muster, he cracked the door wide enough for him to go through it. For a moment, the sudden change in brightness blinded young Soonyoung, and he had to cover his face. The voices became even louder, and when Soonyoung removed his hands from his face, he saw his dad harshly gripping the wrist of some woman. Wait, that was his mother. He was hurting his mother. Soonyoung had to stop him. _

 

_ Soonyoung tried to walk over to his mother to defend her, but before he reached her, she started screaming. He looked up and saw her terrified expression, even though he couldn’t quite make out the details of her face. He looked over to his father, which seemed to be the cause of her fright. He was holding a decorative ceramic vase. No, he was throwing it. He aimed for his mother, but it hit the floor beside her. As the vase hit the floor, shards flew in all directions. They flew in Soonyoung’s direction. They were going to hit him. He couldn’t dodge them quickly enough. They were going to- _

 

Crash!

 

Soonyoung’s eyes fluttered open as he jerked his head upright at the loud sound. He quickly looked around and found himself in a bright hallway and remembered that he was still in school. Seokmin was beside him, wide-eyed and confused. There was the sound of boys arguing behind the door to the drama room. One particularly loud voice Soonyoung could easily recognize as Seungkwan’s. 

 

“I think that came from the drama room,” said Seokmin hesitantly, “Maybe we should check up on the boys?”

 

“The boys? The drama club members?”

 

Seokmin put his hands on his knees to heave himself up from the floor, then patted his pants of dust. He stepped in front of Soonyoung and offered a hand to help him up. Soonyoung accepted his hand, and once they were both standing, they approached the door. Seokmin was the one to open it, but cautiously. He stepped in and Soonyoung followed behind until Seokmin abruptly stopped.

 

Soonyoung looked into the room over the brunette’s shoulder and saw a scene that told him that the noise definitely came from there. First, there was Seungkwan, who he had already met, on his knees and hands pressed together as if in prayer. His expression showed fear and desperation. The boy he was kneeling to? A rather gentle looking student. A third-year, based on his baby blue tie. His hair was neat and perfect, and his eyes showed no hint of anger. He was kneeling in front of Seungkwan, trying to calm him down. His lips were moving, indicating that he was saying something, but Soonyoung wasn’t able to hear his voice because there were two boys squabbling loudly next to a broken window. It seems the window was the cause of their worries, and was presumably the source of the crashing noise earlier.

 

One of them was quite tall and had tan skin that looked quite loved by the sun. Soonyoung wondered what year he was in, and then noticed the dusty silver tie he was wearing. He was a first year. If it weren’t for his current behavior or his tie, he could have easily been mistaken for a third year. His hair nicely framed his face in a clean swoop, even when he ran his fingers through it in anxiety. The other boy wasn’t nearly so tall, but his height was enviable as well. Another first year, based on his tie. He bickered quite speedily, but there was something a bit awkward about his speech. He was loud enough for Soonyoung to detect an accent, but not loud enough for him to be able to make out what kind of accent it was. For sure, he wasn’t from Seoul.

 

Upon closer inspection, Soonyoung noticed that the boys weren’t in a heated argument, but they were in a heated panic. They were both rambling loudly, likely not listening to the other, but their body language made it seem as though they were. From the rapid and loud utterances, Soonyoung could make out a “what do we do?” and a “how do we fix this?” and a “we’re so stupid.”

 

There was one last member who seemed distant from it all. He was sitting on top of a desk, seemingly minding his own business, reading a book. There was a subtle frown on his face, but it was definitely there. His eyes seemed less than friendly, almost glaring at the pages in his book. Soonyoung recognized him. He was Jeon Wonwoo from his own class. The blond would never have guessed that Wonwoo would have joined the drama club, but at the same time, he never cared much to notice him. The only thing he knew about Wonwoo was that he was never in homeroom during lunch break. Soon after the teacher dismissed them, he left. So did others, in order to buy food from the cafeteria, but Wonwoo was the only one who never came back until the next period was about to begin. Soonyoung occasionally heard students talk about how mysterious he was. Others said he was pretentious because he didn’t want to bother with the students in homeroom. From what Soonyoung was looking at now, none of their assumptions seemed far off. Then again, he was probably making an assumption too.

 

Suddenly, the door slammed wide open, and Soonyoung snapped his body around in surprise. At the entrance was a stern-looking male teacher, wearing a horrified expression. He looked at the broken glass, then panned the room to look at each student.

 

“Which one of you did it?”

 

Soonyoung could hear Seungkwan whimpering behind him, but before he had a chance to confess, assuming he was the culprit, the gentle-looking boy spoke first.

 

“I’m sorry Mr. Choi. It wasn’t just one person. It was all of us. We will all take responsibility. Whatever punishment you decide to give us, we will take it. Just please don’t take our drama club away.”

 

The boy walked to the teacher and bowed deeply, then held his position there. The teacher’s emotions visibly simmered down with a sigh.

 

“Well, if you say so. I know you’re a good student, Jisoo, so I know you didn’t mean it… But I can’t let you off, since you  _ did _ damage school property.”

 

“Then-”

 

“I’ll see what I can do about the club. I don’t think this is so bad that I have to shut it down. The sports clubs damage stuff all the time, and they’re still running. As for your punishment, I guess I’ll just have you all clean all the boy’s bathrooms after school for two weeks. Starting tomorrow.”

 

His last sentence elicited small chorus of groans from the members of the club.

 

“If I hear any complaints, I’ll make it three,” Mr. Choi warned.

 

With that, the members grumbled slightly, but silently enough that the teacher ignored it.

 

“I want those bathrooms spotless, you hear me?”

 

Unenthusiastic and unsynchronised voices filled the room of ‘yes, sir’.

 

“Go on home for today. I’ll fill out the paperwork to replace the window. By the time you’re done with your punishment, the window should be fixed, and then you should be able to meet here for drama club again. Until then, no club meetings.”

 

Another collective ‘yes, sir’.

 

Mr. Choi nodded once, then left the members of the drama club to themselves. Soonyoung had been too shocked to think before, but now that the teacher was gone, he remembered that he wasn’t a part of the club. Seokmin was, but he had been sitting outside with him, so he couldn’t have been at fault.

 

“Did that… apply to us too?” he asked no one in particular.

 

Then, Jisoo quickly turned to him wide-eyed. Then to Seokmin, Then back to Soonyoung.

 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you two came in! I don’t think Mr. Choi is too far, I’ll catch up to him and tell him that you weren’t a part of it. I’m so sorry, really. I’ll be right ba-”

 

“No, wait.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Um, it’s fine. For me at least. I’ll help you guys.”

 

Jisoo’s eyes watered slightly as he revealed a gentle smile.

 

“Really? Are you sure?”

 

Soonyoung looked away, unable to speak so directly to him. Especially not when he was watching with such expectant eyes.

 

“Yeah, I have a lot of time on my hands.”

 

“I’ll help too!” Seokmin chimed. “If it means spending time with Soonyoung.”

 

Soonyoung glanced at Seokmin, who was smiling ever so radiantly. He felt his heart rate accelerate slightly. He wondered if he would ever get used to Seokmin’s straightforward statements.

 

“Thanks guys, that really means a lot. I guess that means we’ll start seeing each other a lot starting tomorrow, right?”

 

“Of course!” replied Seokmin.

 

“Yeah, I guess so,” muttered Soonyoung.

 

“Oh, I should introduce myself. I’m Hong Jisoo, president of the drama club.” The president directed his attention to Soonyoung. “And you are?”

 

“Kwon Soonyoung.”

 

“So, you’re friends with our Seokmin? Did you want to join the club? Is that why you’re here? I have membership papers somewhere… I can go find them if you want. Should I go get them?”

 

Soonyoung browsed over the room, looking over each member in the room. None of them looked directly at him with the exception of Jisoo and Seokmin, but he could feel the attention of them all on him. A still silence loomed over the room as Soonyoung considered his options. He looked up at Seokmin, who looked most anxious of them all, and somehow didn’t want to disappoint him.

 

It wasn’t like he hadn’t considered it before.

  
“Yeah, I think I would like that,” he finally replied.


	7. Decisions

It wasn’t long after Soonyoung left the club room that he got a phone call. The ringing and vibration in his pocket startled him, but as phone calls were seldom accompanied with good news, he pulled out the phone in distaste. Looking at the caller ID gave him another shock, and his bitterness was replaced with interest and concern, since the caller was Jihoon. Jihoon never calls. Soonyoung picked up the call immediately after seeing his name.

 

“Hello? Jihoon? Is something wrong?”

 

“Hey, Soonyoung. Are you still in school?”

 

“Yeah, I just got out of club. Did you need something?”

 

“...”

 

“Jihoon?”

 

“Are you free to hang out? Right now?”

 

Something was wrong. Hanging out with Jihoon was a rare instance in itself, but what was impossibly rarer was the fact that he wanted to see him so spontaneously. He wondered if something had gone wrong with his tutoring session.

 

“Sure. Should I meet you at the library?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Feeling panic arise in his chest, Soonyoung turned around and briskly walked in the direction of the library. When he got to his destination, he slid the door open with so much force that it created a loud ‘bang’. All of the occupants in the room instantly turned their heads toward the entrance, and Soonyoung, who felt uncomfortable with so much attention on him, hid behind the wall for a few moments. After relaxing a bit, he decided to stop hiding to search for his friend, but luckily, he didn’t have to search, as Jihoon showed up in front of him as he was hiding.

 

“Nice job. I wonder if you made a dent in the wall.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Jihoon closed the door gently and then lead the way to the entrance of the school. Soonyoung walked to the side of him.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“That depends. Where can we go that’s private?”

 

Soonyoung bit his lip. Something definitely happened to Jihoon, seeing that he wanted to talk to him in a private place.

 

“How private is private?”

 

“As private as we can find.”

 

The most private place he could think of at that moment was his own home. It was a place that gave him unpleasant feelings, but it was empty. The situation might have been an emergency, considering how Jihoon was acting, so Soonyoung brushed aside his displeasure. Jihoon’s well-being was more important than Soonyoung’s lack of appreciation for his own home.

 

“We can go to my house.”

 

Jihoon stopped in his tracks as his eyes widened at the statement. Soonyoung stopped, but didn’t face him. Jihoon watched him cautiously. He might not have known exactly  _ why _ Soonyoung felt so bitter about his home, but he wasn’t a stranger about  _ what _ Soonyoung felt about it.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah… No one’s home anyways.”

 

“We can go to a karaoke room or something. We don’t have to…”

 

“Let’s go. It’s fine.”

 

“Soonyoung.”

 

Soonyoung started walking away, not looking back to see if Jihoon was following him.

 

“I’m leaving without you. Are you coming, or what?”

 

Jihoon reluctantly dropped his argument. He caught up to Soonyoung, and the both of them walked in silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, nor was it completely a comfortable one due to the slight tension earlier. The two remained silent until Soonyoung stopped to face a large house, fenced off by a decorative black gate. The house was white, reflecting the sun’s beams softly. The yard was obviously regularly maintained, as it was filled with a variety of plants and trees trimmed nicely. The grass was a lively green, a result of being watered frequently. There was a stone-paved path neatly leading from the gate to the front door. It was a beautiful house, and the first words any stranger would use to describe its inhabitants is ‘well-off’.

 

“Why are we stopping here?”

 

Soonyoung wordlessly opened the gate and entered the territory, leaving behind a shocked Jihoon.

 

“You live  _ here _ ? In this huge house? Are you sure we didn’t make a wrong turn somewhere? You’re not trespassing someone’s yard right now, are you?”

 

“Calm down, Lee Jihoon. I live here. I’ll explain later.”

 

Jihoon slowly entered through the gate and walked to the front door, where Soonyoung was waiting. Soonyoung opened the door without hesitation.

 

“Wait, I didn’t see you unlock the door… Are you sure this is your house and not just some abandoned building? If we’re doing anything illegal…”

 

“Yes, this is my house. What will it take for you to believe me? Just come.”

 

Jihoon didn’t say a word.

 

As the two entered the house, they were enveloped by darkness. None of the lights were on in the house until Soonyoung flicked up the switch for the hallway lights. Soonyoung closed the door and started going up the stairs.

 

“You’re not going to lock it?” asked Jihoon, not having moved much from the entrance.

 

_ No need for me to feel more trapped than I already am. _

 

“Just leave it.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Soonyoung stopped in the middle of the staircase to look back at Jihoon.

 

“Yes, Jihoon, I’m sure.”

 

He couldn’t help but give Jihoon a cold stare. He felt bad about it, but his body reacted automatically. He turned back around to continue upstairs to his room, and he could hear steps on the stairs that indicated that Jihoon was following him. Soonyoung turned on more lights as he walked to his destination. When he finally reached his room, he tossed his bag by his desk and flopped onto his bed, waiting for Jihoon to enter. When he did, he sat on the bed beside him.

 

Soonyoung didn’t say anything and waited for Jihoon to speak when he was ready. There was a heavy silence, and they both knew that Soonyoung would wait, and that Jihoon had something serious to say. Neither tried to lighten the mood with small talk, since there was no use for it. 

 

Jihoon grabbed a stray pillow that was on the unmade bed and hugged it tightly. 

 

“Did I ever tell you I was raised by a single dad?”

 

Soonyoung’s head had been drooping ever so slightly, but it perked up when Jihoon started speaking. The blond already knew that he and Jihoon shared similar personalities, but hearing that they shared something else in common made Soonyoung intrigued.

 

“No… and I guess I never told you that I was raised by a single dad either.”

 

Jihoon’s eyes widened slightly at the new information. “Oh.”

 

“But that’s not really important right now. So you were raised by a single dad.”

 

“Yeah.” Jihoon tightened his grip on the pillow. “So I was raised by a single dad… and he’s had some troubles financially…”

 

There was a pause, and Soonyoung waited for Jihoon to continue.

 

“He’s never had a high paying job, but he always tried to make ends meet with his part-time jobs. This was when I was younger, by the way.”

 

Soonyoung nodded to show he was paying attention, but Jihoon wasn’t looking at him. He was looking at the corner of the pillow he was holding as he played with it, stalling a bit. Soonyoung didn’t mind the wait, though. Jihoon was telling him something important. It was a given for him to be patient.

 

Jihoon was silent for another moment, but then he stopped all movement to look Soonyoung directly in the eyes.

 

“My dad’s a con artist, and he’s been for most of my life. He took that route when he wasn’t able to make ends meet. He threw away the lifestyle he had at the time and decided to go the unethical route, but... he really messed up this time. He actually got caught.”

 

The confession startled the blond, causing him to perk up slightly, eyebrows raised, mouth open but without a response to voice.

 

Jihoon spoke again. “I don’t approve of what he does, at all. I think it’s wrong of him to do what he does, which is why I’m trying to get into college on a scholarship. I don’t want to depend on him more than I have to. I can’t do anything about it now because I need him, but once I’m in college, I want to cut ties with him. I’ve been wanting that for a while. My dad is also the reason I’m aiming for law school. So I can prosecute criminals like him. I know he became a criminal for me, and I do feel a bit of appreciation for it, but that’s not an excuse for taking others’ hard-earned money.”

 

“You’re aiming for law school?.”

 

Jihoon’s tense shoulders suddenly relaxed as he let out a small chuckle.

 

“Of all the things you could have asked about…”

 

Soonyoung smiled when he noticed that Jihoon seemed a little more at ease with him.

 

“Hey, what can I say? It’s something I didn’t know about until now.”

 

“You have a point.”

 

“So, anyways… you said your dad got caught? So is he being held at the police station?”

 

“Yeah. And I don’t know what I should do about it.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I want to cut ties with him eventually, but if he’s locked up, that means I can cut ties now and forget about it… But I don’t know. It’s just really sudden. Now that the opportunity is right there in front of me, I think I’m having second thoughts. I mean, even if he committed crimes, it was for  _ my _ sake, even if I don’t agree with what he’s done. Even if I tell myself that it’s better to ignore him, I just can’t”

 

“Why can’t you? Do you not hate him?”

 

“I don’t know. I thought I did, but now that he needs me, I can’t just blindly turn my cheek. He’s done so much to get me here, and I know he cares for me. I don’t hate  _ him _ , I just hate the things he does. I don’t think I can truly hate him if I tried. He’s family.”

 

For a moment, Soonyoung thought about what to say. Should he give Jihoon advice? Was that what he was looking for in Soonyoung? Or was it that he just wanted someone to hear about his troubles? 

 

“Okay, you don’t know what you  _ want _ to do. What  _ can _ you do?”

 

“I don’t know. I could try to bail him out, or I can leave him there. Those are really the only two options I have… What do  _ you _ think I should do?”

 

“What would happen to your life if you left him there?”

 

“He would go to jail, and I would probably move out. I wouldn’t want to depend on him at all, so I guess I would have to find a place for myself. Even if I stayed in our apartment, it’s not like he would be able to pay rent. I would basically be on my own. I would have to find a job other than tutoring. If I get another job, I wouldn’t have as much time to study though. But if I decide to bail him out, I still have to get the money from somewhere to do that.”

 

Jihoon ruffled his hair. “Why couldn’t he wait until  _ after _ I was done with high school to get caught? He avoided the police so well for so long. Why now?”

 

Soonyoung concluded that he wouldn’t be able to help his friend make a decision, so he decided to help him in the only way he could think of. He turned to the dresser by his bed and opened the top drawer, before pulling out an envelope and tossing it to Jihoon.

 

“What is this?” Jihoon inspected the thick envelope. “Why are you giving me your mail?”

 

“I don’t need it. You can decide what you want to use it on, whether it’s bailing out your dad or starting a life without him.”

 

When Jihoon confirmed the contents of the envelope, he quickly tossed it back to Soonyoung.

 

“What the hell is this, your life’s savings? I can’t accept this. It’s too much.”

 

Soonyoung tossed it back.

 

“You need it. And I don’t. Take it.”

 

“You might need it later. Do you  _ realize _ how much is in here?”

 

Soonyoung shrugged.

 

“Roughly.”

 

Jihoon stared at the envelope in his hands. Soonyoung could see both hesitation and desperation in his eyes.

 

“It almost seems like I’m trying to con you out of this money. I wonder if my dad went through this struggle when he started out, trying to pick between his needs and his morals…” 

 

“Jihoon…”

 

Jihoon closed his eyes, tapping a finger on the envelope, the sound of it being the only noise to fill the room for a minute. 

 

“I never knew how hard of a choice it would be, deciding which of the two is more important.”

 

“Jihoon, you’re not taking anything from me. I’m willingly giving it to you. I told you I don’t need it.”

 

Soonyoung pulled out several more envelopes from his drawer. “Look, I have plenty. Me giving you that money won’t change my lifestyle or anything.”

 

After staring at the contents of the drawer, Jihoon seemed to feel less burdened. He scoffed in disbelief.

 

“Soonyoung… are you secretly the son of a CEO or something?”

 

“Not exactly… but you get it now, right? Don’t feel guilty about taking it.”

 

Jihoon sighed, reluctance still obvious on his face.

 

“Yeah, alright. I’ll put it to good use… Thanks. I owe you… A lot. I promise I’ll pay you back when I can.”

 

“Don’t worry about it.”

 

“But, can I ask? Why…” he gestured to the drawer.

 

“Oh, uh, it’s my allowance.”

 

“A-allowance?  _ Allowance _ ? No offense, but who needs so much of an allowance?”

 

“Beats me. Besides, I don’t like spending this… dirty money more than I have to. Who knows what kinds of corrupt things my dad’s done to earn that money.”

 

“Corrupt? As in illegal?”

 

“Not illegal, just… wrong. Well, I already told one person, might as well tell you too. My dad’s the ambassador of Japan.”

 

Jihoon’s eyes turned wide. “Whoa.”

 

“Yeah, and just like every other politician, he’s a greedy old man who doesn’t have empathy for anyone but himself.”

 

“But wait, if he’s the ambassador of Japan, doesn’t that mean he lives there? In  _ Japan _ ?”

 

“He does. We live separately because it’s better for him if I don’t exist. I mean, he has an image to keep up. Why would he, someone in charge of relationships between countries, willingly announce that he has a child when he doesn’t have a wife? I’m just proof that his own relationship went wrong.”

 

“I guess that makes sense for him, but it sounds kind of… wrong.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s nice for the both of us that way anyways. He does his business without me hindering his precious image, and I can live a life without seeing him more than a few times in a year. He gives me money so that he doesn’t have to take care of me in any other way. I’m fine with it, as long as he doesn’t show his face.”

 

“Sorry, sounds pretty rough.”

 

“So does your situation.”

 

“Are we pathetic or what?”

 

“Probably.”

 

“Hold on, you said you already told one person. Who do you have to tell other than me? Don’t tell me…”

 

Jihoon never failed to impress Soonyoung with his deductive skills. It sometimes seemed like Jihoon knew everything.

 

“Seokmin, yeah.”

 

“So you decided you’re close enough to him to tell him things you haven’t told me, huh?” Jihoon teased with a seemingly all-knowing smirk.

 

Soonyoung leaned back defensively.

 

“I didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened.”   
  
“So, what’s up with you and him, then?”

 

Soonyoung thought about it. He held a decently long conversation with Seokmin, but their topics seemed to only scratch the surface of who they were. Soonyoung still didn’t think he knew nearly enough about him, but he didn’t know how to dig deeper. He’s known Jihoon for so long, and yet they seemed to only uncover important details today. How would he be able to get to know Seokmin as much as he wanted?

 

“We’re… friends. I guess..”

 

“And? Is that all?”

 

“What more is there?”

  
“Hmm…” Jihoon’s all-knowing smirk appeared once again. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so dialogue-heavy. And that it lacked Seokmin D:


	8. Just a Little Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update was so slow... school has been killing me TT-TT

Jihoon wasn’t in class that day.

 

His desk was neat and bare, a gentle autumn ray of sun lit his desk as if highlighting his absence. It was the first time that Soonyoung knew of that Jihoon had ever missed class, and it was the first time he noticed how empty the day felt without him. He thought he was used to the loneliness, but every time he turned his head to say something, he was met with an unoccupied space and disappointment. He never quite realized it until then how much he depended on Jihoon as a friend, and how accustomed he was to talking to him. It had been the little things between them that slowly but surely built up the bonds of their relationship, and it was only that he was looking back now that he understood how sky high their tower of trust came to be. Just when he thought he would be okay with living life alone, he was proven wrong.

 

He hadn’t felt such a sorrow from being by himself since he could last remember. He felt so empty, not knowing until now how much of a space Jihoon occupied in his life. He couldn’t think of what had been in that space before Jihoon had entered his life. Since when was being alone so… lonely?

 

Soonyoung put his head down using his arms as a pillow, choosing not to listen to the lecture. It was the same topic that they went over last week, and he didn’t understand why they had to go over it again. It seemed like a waste of time, just like the rest of school. What was he even doing there? What was he hoping to gain by staying in school?

 

Before he knew it, he was being shaken lightly on the shoulder by someone trying to wake him up.

 

He opened his eyes, and in front of him was Seokmin leaning down with his brows raised in curiosity.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Soonyoung sat up, a part of him surprised seeing Seokmin there, and a part of him feeling relieved that he was no longer by himself. Somehow it seemed like Seokmin knew Soonyoung needed someone, and came without him even having to ask. Maybe that was silly wishful thinking, but maybe it wasn’t.

 

“Do you want to sit?” Soonyoung asked, avoiding the question, pointing to Jihoon’s empty desk.

 

“I just came here with a message from Jisoo,” Seokmin reached over to softly stroke Soonyoung’s hair, the blond closing his eyes in response. “But I’ll stay if you want me to.”

 

“What if I don’t want you to?”

 

“But you want me to, don’t you?”

 

Soonyoung leaned into Seokmin’s touch, wondering how his fingers not only  _ looked _ pretty, but  _ felt _ pretty. Was it just because Seokmin had a pretty heart that  _ everything _ about him was pretty?

 

“Stay,” he opened his eyes to look up at him. “I want you to stay.”

 

He was answered with a smile that made him forget the loneliness he harbored just a few moments before.

 

“Okay.”

 

The brunette pulled up Jihoon’s chair to sit beside Soonyoung, who chose to put his head down again, only this time facing Seokmin.

 

Soonyoung held out his hand, which Seokmin easily accepted.

 

“You said you came to deliver a message?”

 

Their connected hands swung loosely between them.

 

“Oh, right! Jisoo, he’s the club president in case you forgot, he said to remind you about cleaning duties this afternoon.”

 

With everything that happened with Jihoon before, the club cleaning duties slipped his mind, as did Soonyoung ever joining the club in the first place.

 

“Ah…”

 

Seokmin chuckled. “He said it isn’t too late to change your mind about helping out, since you were kind of caught up in their mess.”

 

“No, I still want to help. I just forgot…”

 

Seokmin linked their fingers together and began stroking Soonyoung’s outer thumb.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“Then he also told me to tell you that we’re going to clean in two teams of two and one team of three, since there’s seven of us in total. We’ll rotate members in the team so you’ll get a chance to work with all of us. He thought it would be a good way for you to get to know each member of the club.”

 

“Each member? I’m going to be alone with all of you?”

 

Seokmin’s grip on Soonyoung’s hand tightened as his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly.

 

“Is that okay with you? I mean, I guess it might be awkward if you don’t know anyone. Should I ask him to change it? Should we do teams of three and four? I don’t think he will mind if I tell him it might be too uncomfortable. I mean, you’re kind of complete strangers with some of us, right? I can see why it could be uncomfortable. I don’t think it would be a problem to change the group numbers.”

 

Soonyoung smiled, finding Seokmin’s overprotectiveness endearing.

 

“No, I guess it’s a good idea to get to know them, right? Tell Jisoo it’s fine. No need to change things just for me.”

 

“... Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“If you say so. Then today you’re a team with Jisoo.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Soonyoung raised his head, deciding to rest his chin on his palm. He watched Seokmin watch him with concern. It reminded him of the look his father used to have when Soonyoung tripped over something. It was an expression that meant he was cared for. An expression he couldn’t remember seeing for more years than he cared to remember.

 

“What are you thinking about?” asked Seokmin, breaking the momentary silence between them.

 

“Hmm… that I want to hear you sing again.”

 

Seokmin seemed surprised and pleased at the same time. He hummed in thought, as if he was contemplating on whether or not to grant Soonyoung’s request, though it was obvious what his answer would be.

 

“I’ll sing for you again. Anytime.”

 

Soonyoung liked the sound of it. The sound of promise of ‘anytime’.

 

“Can I hear it later today, then? After school?”

 

“Alright,” Seokmin replied with a low voice. He leaned in closer. “I’ll sing just for you.”

 

The blond looked away for a brief second, almost overwhelmed by his accelerating heartbeat. He glanced back when at least his mind calmed down.

 

“I want to know, what are  _ you _ thinking about?”

 

“Oh, nothing. Just that I feel really happy right now being here with you.”

 

“Aren’t you always happy?”

 

“Is that what it seems like?” Seokmin covered his smile with the back of his hand. “Maybe I’m just always happy around you?”

 

“But you had no reason to be in the beginning.”

 

“I di- I want to kiss your hand right now.”

 

“You want to… what? Why all of a sudden? And besides, why are you hesitating? Wouldn’t you normally just go for it?”

 

“Are you giving me permission?”

 

Soonyoung put a hand to the back of his neck, not quite massaging it. He lowered his voice.

 

“Well, not… here… in this classroom…”

 

“Then if we’re alone, you’d let me?”

 

“If you want to do it, do it. You don’t have to ask every time.”

 

Seokmin looked around the classroom before dipping his head to kiss the hand he was holding. Soonyoung pulled away in embarrassment, but he didn’t let go of Seokmin.

 

“Seokmin,” he whined, in a voice louder than he would normally output. He peeked over to make sure he didn’t divert anyone’s attention. While most of his classmates were occupied with their own thing, Soonyoung made eye contact with Wonwoo. The blond broke the contact immediately, slightly puzzled as to why Wonwoo was there in the classroom when he normally wasn’t during lunch time. He then looked back to see other members of the club with him. They were the two first years that were bickering near the broken window after the club incident.

 

“Hey Seokmin. I know Wonwoo, but who are the other two over there?”

 

“Hmm? Did we never do introductions? Oh I guess we all kind of forgot about it after all that chaos. That’s okay, you can get to know about them now. So Wonwoo, yeah you know him. The really tall one who kind of looks like he’s bothering Wonwoo? That’s Kim Mingyu. Those two have known each other for a long time, and they practically never leave each other’s side. And then the one just sitting besides Wonwoo, just writing something in his journal, that’s Wen Junhui. He’s a transfer student from China, and he’s actually a year older than the rest of us first years. He moved here suddenly because of complications back in China, so during the entire first year he was here, he had to learn Korean. That’s why he’s in  _ my  _ year instead of yours. He lives with Wonwoo, so the three of them got to know each other pretty well. They’re all really close now.”

 

“I guess Junhui went through a lot. It must have been hard to suddenly move to a foreign country.”

 

“Right?”

 

“But how do you know so much? Didn’t you just join the club this year? School barely just started.”

 

“Junhui and I sat next to each other during summer class. I don’t think either Wonwoo or Mingyu had to take summer classes, but they always waited for him outside the school entrance. I got curious and asked Junhui about it, and then we became friends.”

 

“And then you became…” Soonyoung let out a baffled huff of air. “You make it sound so easy.”

 

“It  _ is _ easy. You like someone and they like you, and then you start talking, and then you’re friends.”

 

“But you didn’t start talking to me because you liked me.”

 

“That’s…”

 

“How did we become friends, Seokmin? Why did we become friends?”

 

The bell interrupted any reply Seokmin was about to give, leaving Soonyoung feeling unsettled with the unanswered question. The first year darted out of the class in panic, probably in fear of being late and hopefully not from wanting to avoid Soonyoung’s question. Soonyoung’s fingers started to feel empty as Seokmin’s warmth faded away. He touched the hand with his other, his cool fingertips unable to mimic the warmth of Seokmin’s. He wondered if all cold-hearted people had such frosty fingers like his. If they did, it would be easy to tell apart the evils of the world.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Soonyoung always thought he knew just how dirty the men’s restrooms were, having using them for a whole school year and counting. He thought he was familiar with the slight scent of rust and the occasional scent of mold, but he was wrong. He thought that cleaning wouldn’t take long, but upon closer inspection, he realized just why Mr. Choi had told the club to clean the bathrooms for two weeks. They were most definitely in dire need of cleaning. 

 

Coming to his designated bathroom after class, he walked in to see Jisoo already scrubbing the grout in between the tiles with a toothbrush. Soonyoung put down the cleaning supplies he carried there, an echo bouncing against the walls. 

 

Jisoo looked up, smiling at his cleaning partner, and holding out a triumphant fist in encouragement.

 

“Day one of cleaning. We can do this.”

 

Soonyoung and Jisoo were a team that day, tackling on the upstairs bathroom closest to the cafeteria, probably the filthiest of the bathrooms. When Soonyoung asked why he had chosen this bathroom for his first to clean, Jisoo told him it was so the others wouldn’t have to suffer as much. When Soonyoung asked why he chose this despite not being the cause of the broken window, Jisoo told him that it was his duty as the oldest to take responsibility for anything he could have prevented, which included mistakes made by his juniors.

 

It was admirably heroic, but almost idiotic.

 

After a long time of silent cleaning, Jisoo spoke.

 

“Hey, thanks again for helping us out. You really didn’t have to.”

 

Jisoo must have been uncomfortable with the silence if that was what he spoke up to say. Soonyoung paused to wipe the sweat already forming along his forehead.

 

“I wanted to.”

 

Jisoo chuckled. “Oh yeah, it’s fun scrubbing mold from bathrooms walls, huh?”

 

Soonyoung smiled slightly, but then continued with his task of mopping the floor.

 

“I figured from earlier, but I guess you don’t talk much?”

 

“Sorry. I guess you like conversation?”

 

“No, don’t be sorry. Everyone’s different. If I ever make you uncomfortable with my chatting, feel free to let me know, okay?”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Jisoo’s motions stopped, and so did the light scratchy swishing sounds that accompanied it. He took a deep breath as he faced Soonyoung.

 

“... Can I ask you something though?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“How long have you known Seokmin? You seem close to him… kind of. Actually, I can’t really tell. You seem close, but at the same time you don’t? But before you showed up at the drama club room that day, he’s never talked about you before. I’m sure you know this, but Seokmin is a bit of a chatterbox. It would be unusual for him  _ not _ to talk about someone he’s close with. But you seem to get along with him really well. Unless you told him not to talk about you?”

 

Soonyoung stopped mopping again and stood up straight. He tilted his head as he thought of how to explain their relationship. He felt less confident in defining it, especially with his unanswered question from earlier that day. He replied with the first thing he could come up with.

 

“We like each other, so we’re friends.”

 

Jisoo laughed abruptly, leaving Soonyoung shocked and unsure of what to do.”

 

“Sorry, that’s just,” he chuckled. “It sounds like something Seokmin would say.”

 

“I guess it would be.”

 

Jisoo went back to scrubbing the tiles. “Okay, so maybe we should get to know each other instead of Seokmin, since both of us know him already. So? Is there anything you want to know about me?”

 

“Um… I don’t know… What’s your favorite color?”

 

Jisoo dropped the toothbrush in his hand to support himself by leaning over the sink, laughing uncontrollably.

 

“Favorite…” he laughed some more, holding onto his stomach. “You’re… you’re pretty funny. The other members would love you. But if you want to know, my favorite color is green.”

 

“Green.”

 

“Yup, green.”

 

“...”

 

“Anything else?”

 

“Is there anything you want to say about yourself?”

 

Jisoo bent down to pick up the toothbrush he dropped, rinsing it in water before continuing to scrub the tile again.

 

“Alright, I’ll just introduce myself then. I’m Hong Jisoo, third year, president of the drama club. I joined the club during my first year because I was shy and I hated it. I became friends with the members who were there at the time, and I started getting more comfortable with myself. I’m a lot more outgoing now, and I’ve pretty much stopped caring about what other people think. Well, that’s not completely true, I do care what people think, but not about the smaller things, like if my shoes clash with my outfit or something. I still want to be a good student, but I want to have fun too.”

 

“And drama club is fun?”

 

“It’s really fun! It’s a great way to meet people who won’t judge you for anything. We’re all really friendly, all six of us. I hope you can consider us your friends. I think it would be nice if that happens. Don’t you think?”

 

“I don’t need a lot of people in my life.”

 

“I’m not saying that you do, but I’m sure you would at least enjoy the club more if you opened up to all of us. You don’t need a lot of friends, but everyone needs people in their lives. Even those who are always alone never  _ really _ want to be alone. You know, I think people are what makes life really nice. The different relationships you have with different people means you can have fun in a lot of different ways. I think you should always treasure the people in your life, because they really enrich what the world has to offer by itself. I’m not trying to be all philosophical or anything, but… it’s good to have friends. That’s all I’m trying to say.”

 

“I…”

 

“Sorry, I was supposed to talking about myself, but I guess I got off-topic. I kind of want to know about you, though. You seem to be the kind of person who keeps everything to himself, so maybe I’m trying to make you talk more, just so you have someone to share some things with. Am I right? That you don’t share a whole lot of things with other people?”

 

“Well… you’re not wrong...”

 

Jisoo decided to give up scrubbing the walls with a toothbrush, concluding that he would never finish cleaning if he worked in such detail. He opted instead for a sponge soaked in strongly scented cleaning products. He looked at the wall, as large as it was, before switching his target to the sinks. They were much faster to clean. 

 

“I don’t want to force you to tell  _ me _ anything, but maybe you should tell someone about things that bother you? If you bottle everything up inside, you’re going to fall apart one day.”

 

Soonyoung dipped his mop back into the bucket to gather more soapy water before resuming his task of cleaning the floor, half-heartedly scrubbing at the small black splotches of mysteriously sticky residue. 

 

“That’s fine by me,” he muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah I hope the next update will come sonner than this one did DX
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. Ignore that second AN (if it's still there) I have no idea what's wrong with this...


End file.
